Surrendering All Expectations to God

I recently read a thought-provoking article* in Gary Smalley's e-newsletter. I thought--I've gotta share this with my friends! It fits perfectly with the principles in the Secrets book!

So here it is...

"A few years ago, God broke through my hardened heart and began to transform my attitudes. The first thing I realized that had to change were my expectations. I had to face up to the fact that my own sense of how things ought to be had come to rule my life and my emotions. It wasn’t that the expectations themselves were wrong—we all have expectations; they’re a natural part of life—but my expectations were all Gary-centered rather than God-centered.
I believe that God had me start by surrendering all my expectations to Him because my unfulfilled expectations were the cause of much of the stress in my life, and they were distracting me from my relationship with God. God called me to let go of all my aspirations so that I could focus on Him.

"God promises that He will meet all of our needs 'according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.' It doesn’t say He’ll meet some of our needs; it says He’ll meet all our needs. I had read this verse countless times over the years, but I wasn’t living according to what it promises. I was driven by my own agenda, my own goals, and my own good ideas. When I started to trust God fully, and really believed He was faithful, I began to experience true peace. This, I believe, is what caused my stress levels to drop so dramatically. --Gary Smalley"

So what about you? Where are your expectations centered today? Maybe now is the perfect time for a moment of surrender . . .

*"Surrendering All Expectations to God," an e-newsletter by Gary Smalley (October 22, 2009). http://www.garysmalley.com.

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness—it is something we all know we need. When God forgives us, He removes our sins as far as the east is from the west—never to be remembered against us again (Psalm 102:12). Jesus helps us understand that if we really grasped the depth of God’s forgiveness, we would forgive others (Matthew 18:21-35). He even tells us that if we don’t forgive those who have offended us, our Father in Heaven won’t forgive us (Matthew 6:14,15).

But what does it look like for you and me to forgive those who have hurt us?

Many wrong ideas influence our thoughts about forgiveness, ideas like:
1—I don’t have to forgive if the person who has hurt me doesn’t ask for forgiveness.
2—If I forgive them, it will condone their sinful behavior.
3—Forgiveness means that the relationship is restored and trust is rebuilt.
4—Forgiveness means that I don’t remember the pain or have any negative feelings about the person who has hurt me.

Have you ever been confused by these ideas, or by your feelings? I know I have. Several years ago, someone hurt our family. I knew I needed to forgive them and I prayed fervently for the Lord to help me. But I wasn’t sure how to know if I had really forgiven them. When I saw them, I would get an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Those feelings would cause me to question if I had actually forgiven them.

Rick Warren describes forgiveness in a very tangible way, in the 40 Days of Love videos. He says forgiveness is three things:
1—relinquishing my rights to get even,
2—responding to evil with good, and
3—repeating those two things as many times as necessary.

Warren also helps us to understand that forgiveness happens in a moment, but trust must be rebuilt over time. And in order for there to be a healthy relationship, the offender must also make some changes.

I have come to understand that the choice to forgive says a great deal about the spiritual condition of the person. George Wood in his newest book, Living in the Spirit, says it this way: “When you ‘bump’ a genuinely Spirit-filled person, you will get love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. But when you ‘bump’ a person who professes to be Spirit-filled but doesn’t have the evidence, out will come meanness, nastiness, bitterness, and hostility.”

It is so helpful to understand these truths about forgiveness. These choices have nothing to do with our feelings. Of course we will remember the pain of hurtful situations. And human relationships change when a person intentionally hurts us. But we can be obedient to the command to forgive. Remember, when you choose to give up your rights to get even, you are forgiving. When you are depending upon the Holy Spirit to respond to evil with His goodness, you are obeying Jesus’ command to forgive.

Be encouraged—when you choose to obey, your feelings will eventually come around. Someone recently said to me, “You can never feel your way into right behavior, but you can behave your way into right feelings.”

Realignment . . .

This morning I read Psalm 26, and verses two and three really stood out to me:

“Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth.”

Knowing that God is holy and all-knowing, we may be hesitant to say, “God, test me, try me, examine me.” But King David had an accurate view of God. As we read the psalms, we see that David knew God’s unfathomable power as his Creator and sovereign King. David knew God’s unending supply as his Sustainer and Portion. David knew God’s limitless wisdom as his Teacher and Guide. David knew of God’s justice as his Standard and Judge . . . But David also knew God’s love as his Shepherd and Redeemer (“for your love is ever before me”).

I’m so thankful that God is who He is! As we understand His full character, our trust in Him will grow. Absolute trust brings us to the place where we can we join our hearts with David and say, “Test me! Try me! Examine me! For I know of your love, and I want to walk completely in your truth!”

We can be assured that tests and trials are for our ultimate good. And we can know that when He points out something in our character that is offensive to Him, that He is leading us to truth and life. David said it this way in Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT), “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

Reading this psalm this morning prompted me to pray . . . Lord, I want my trust to grow to where I humbly walk through tests, allowing them to accomplish Your purposes in my life. May I daily allow Your Word to point out those things in me that are offensive to You, and may I submissively align myself to Your Truth—completely trusting Your love every step of the way!

Reflections on "Humility"

Everyone struggles with pride and self-centeredness—it is the tendency of all humanity. The Bible has a lot to say about it—like “pride comes before destruction,” and “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

When I met with Dr. Gary Smalley to film the Secrets DVD, he shared his new understanding of true humility. He said humility isn’t putting ourself down—it is completely depending upon God. It was such an interesting conversation that it prompted me to think more about humility.

When you think about it, we are all completely dependent upon God. After all, He is the Creator and we are the created. Our existence, everything we have, and every experience are from His creative hand. Quite honestly, every breath we breathe and every beat of our heart is a gift from Him. Pride believes we are self-made and self-sufficient. And some in their pride even deny His existence.

While we are all totally, 100% dependent upon God, the proud refuse to accept their dependency. However, the humble awaken every day to acknowledge God and admit their dependence on Him. Jesus describes this dependency in John 15. He says that God is the Gardener, He (Jesus) is the Vine, and we are the branches. And as a branch, our job is to stay connected and dependent; then everything we need will flow in and through our life like fruit on a branch.

Take a look at what Jesus says,
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener… you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

Every day we have to choose to acknowledge our dependence on Him and work hard at staying firmly connected to the Vine. When we are connected, we can trust the Gardner will feed, water, and prune the branches (us) at just the right times. He will make sure we have enough sunshine to grow and enough storms to strengthen our connection. And we can rest knowing the type of fruit that we bear is completely up to Him.

May we all experience the grace He gives to the humble!

25 Things That Hinder Respect and Love

Recently, a friend of mine spoke for a marriage retreat on a cruise. [I know what you are thinking, “Where can we sign up for that assignment?!” I’m wondering the same thing. :) ] Since she taught a couple of the Secrets sessions, she added the following list to Session Four. When she e-mailed it to me, I thought it was worth posting.

As you read through this list, take a few minutes to give yourself a quick review. Make sure you are not doing anything to make your spouse feel disrespected or unloved. Remember, this is a self-test—not a spouse review! We are only responsible for our own behavior. As we sow respect and love, we can expect to reap respect and love.

A Person Feels Disrespected and Unloved When Their Spouse…

1. belittles them in private or public
2. manipulates with the silent treatment
3. prioritizes other relationships, work, or hobbies over their marriage
4. fails to take their opinions and feelings seriously
5. neglects their own responsibilities
6. hides things or fails to communicate about major decisions
7. is selfish
8. neglects personal spiritual health
9. won’t leave the past alone
10. doesn’t provide verbal affirmation
11. simply accommodates them sexually
12. fails to respect their role as parent or undermines their authority
13. lacks appreciation for their contribution to the family
14. talks negatively about them to parents or children or friends
15. nags them, especially if they are aware of the problem
16. has lost the ability to have fun
17. lacks interest in their career or activities
18. is rude and careless with their words
19. is careless of their appearance
20. consistently assumes their motives are wrong
21. negatively compares them to others (“Why can’t you be more like Bob?”)
22. is unwilling to change
23. lacks self-control
24. breaks promises
25. compliments others, but not them

Feelings…Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings….

Jesus told us, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34-35)

Have you ever really thought that? Jesus commands us to love. He doesn’t suggest it or highly recommend it, He actually commands it.

So many times we think of love as a feeling. And we can have a tremendous amount of guilt when we don’t “feel” loving. How can Jesus command a “feeling?” Tom Holladay in his book, The Relationship Principles of Jesus, says you cannot command an emotion, but you can command an action.

Love is so much more than a feeling…it is an action! When Jesus commands us to love one another He is not saying, “Feel loving toward one another.” He is saying “ACT loving toward one another.”

Tom Holladay says—
“When faced with the challenge to act with love, no matter how we may feel, there is something in us that rebels. We think, ‘I don’t feel right about that. I’d be such a phony to act with love toward someone when I don’t feel love. It’s not real if I don’t feel like it. I’d be a hypocrite.’

“Yet we do things all the time that we don’t feel like doing. If you woke up this morning and didn’t feel like going to work, you wouldn’t call and say, ‘I don’t feel like being a work today, so I’m not coming. It would be very hypocritical for me to come to work this morning.’ No, you go in anyway…

“Do you think Jesus felt like dying on the cross? Of course not. Jesus didn’t face that morning thinking, ‘I feel like experiencing the most excruciating pain, the most anguished disgrace, the most wrenching burden of mankind’s sin.’ In fact, the night before his death, he prayed in Gethsemane, ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me.’ In Jesus’ prayer we see that he didn’t follow his feelings. Instead, he prayed, ‘Yet not my will, but yours be done’…This kind of love can only come from God!”

We cannot allow our feelings to determine our actions! When we respond with love, even when we don’t feel loving, we are not being hypocritical—we are being obedient.

As we are fully submissive and obedient to Christ, we can allow HIS LOVE to flow through our responses and actions! I have discovered that when I don’t feel loving, but I choose to act in love, my feelings quickly begin to line up with my actions.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 15:9-12)

Joy and our obedience to the command to love are interdependent… hmmm… something to really think about…

Raising Kids in a Difficult Marriage

For 20 heartwrenching years, Frances prayed for her husband to find Jesus. Their marriage was far from easy--but Frances held onto God, and He gave her the strength to set an unforgettable example for her four children.

Melvina, one of Frances’ daughters, shared with me three memorable things her mother did during those 20 difficult years:

“Mother was faithful to church. Attending church without your companion is not always easy. But her determination to be faithful to church, with or without Daddy, taught us values that shaped eternal destinies for generations. As a child, I remember how people at church loved us. We could hardly wait to get there. As His children, we learned that 'in joy or in sorrow, today and tomorrow . . .' Jesus will walk with us. We learned that He answers prayer and that He will save our lost loved ones.

“Depending on the Holy Spirit was also a top priority for our Mother. She experienced the Holy Spirit in the way that the book of Acts speaks of. And the Fruit of the Spirit of JOY prevailed in our home. Even under the heat of a companion who is under the heavy conviction of the Holy Spirit, mother just kept praying, loving, and believing . . . never giving up until the answer came!

“Mother, by example, taught her children to ‘look for the good in people.’ Never once did I hear her put Daddy down or speak of him in a negative manner. (Yes, it is true, children are more perceptive than we realize of how things are at home.) Bitterness and resentment can be planted deep in the hearts of children by a broken-hearted parent transferring their pain to a child. But we rose up and called our Mother ‘blessed’ and continued loving our Daddy and praying for him until he came to Jesus. Today, my three siblings and I have not had to deal with bitterness. Instead we rejoice!”

Whether or not your husband knows Jesus, we can all consider the impression we are leaving on our children! Someday in the future, we’ll share Frances’ full story—I know you’ll be encouraged!