Feelings…Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings….

Jesus told us, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34-35)

Have you ever really thought that? Jesus commands us to love. He doesn’t suggest it or highly recommend it, He actually commands it.

So many times we think of love as a feeling. And we can have a tremendous amount of guilt when we don’t “feel” loving. How can Jesus command a “feeling?” Tom Holladay in his book, The Relationship Principles of Jesus, says you cannot command an emotion, but you can command an action.

Love is so much more than a feeling…it is an action! When Jesus commands us to love one another He is not saying, “Feel loving toward one another.” He is saying “ACT loving toward one another.”

Tom Holladay says—
“When faced with the challenge to act with love, no matter how we may feel, there is something in us that rebels. We think, ‘I don’t feel right about that. I’d be such a phony to act with love toward someone when I don’t feel love. It’s not real if I don’t feel like it. I’d be a hypocrite.’

“Yet we do things all the time that we don’t feel like doing. If you woke up this morning and didn’t feel like going to work, you wouldn’t call and say, ‘I don’t feel like being a work today, so I’m not coming. It would be very hypocritical for me to come to work this morning.’ No, you go in anyway…

“Do you think Jesus felt like dying on the cross? Of course not. Jesus didn’t face that morning thinking, ‘I feel like experiencing the most excruciating pain, the most anguished disgrace, the most wrenching burden of mankind’s sin.’ In fact, the night before his death, he prayed in Gethsemane, ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me.’ In Jesus’ prayer we see that he didn’t follow his feelings. Instead, he prayed, ‘Yet not my will, but yours be done’…This kind of love can only come from God!”

We cannot allow our feelings to determine our actions! When we respond with love, even when we don’t feel loving, we are not being hypocritical—we are being obedient.

As we are fully submissive and obedient to Christ, we can allow HIS LOVE to flow through our responses and actions! I have discovered that when I don’t feel loving, but I choose to act in love, my feelings quickly begin to line up with my actions.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 15:9-12)

Joy and our obedience to the command to love are interdependent… hmmm… something to really think about…

Hope After an Affair: Sarah's Story

When priorities get out of line and boundaries become blurred, it can be devastating to a marriage. Sadly, affairs are becoming more common on television, in politics, and even in the church. But in the midst of this, there is hope! My good friend sent me a link to a blog by a young lady named Sarah. She poignantly recounts the slippery slope that led to her affair, and how God redeemed her and her marriage. I applaud this woman for her courage and honesty. I pray as you read this true story, you will be encouraged to keep your marriage as a top priority (second to God, of course). Nothing on earth is more worth our sincerest efforts!

Click here to read Sarah' story.

Ignoring What He Values

I just read a poignant picture of what can happen when we disregard what our spouse values—which can easily happen when personalities clash! Author Alicia Chole paints it perfectly in this excerpt a friend e-mailed to me. My friend typed this as a handout for the Secrets group she is leading at her church—a powerful way to illustrate the principles discussed in the book! I know you will enjoy it and that you'll pass it along—

Give Gifts

She was methodical.
He was impulsive.

She planned ahead.
He valued spontaneity.

She led with her head.
He led with his heart.

They were different but difference was not their problem.
Their problem grew from disrespecting their differences.

She needed him to balance the checkbook,
to finish a project.

He needed her to play,
to do the unexpected.

They could have chosen to give each other gifts.

She could have given him unplanned days.
He could have given her completed goals.

But they withheld these gifts and decided not to value what each other valued.

He told her she needed to "lighten up."
She told him he needed to "grow up."

Disrespecting their differences created distance that led to disaster...


Give gifts.
Value difference.
Love long.

From Pure Joy by Alicia Britt Chole (Thomas Nelson)

How’s Your Service?

I remember how as a young bride I used to go over-and-above for Mike. I would make his favorite meals, sacrifice to buy him just the right thing, listen to him talk (with starry fascination in my eyes), and plan special “date nights” for the two of us. I worked really hard to show him he’s the most important person in my life!

Now 25 years later, if I’m not careful I can slip into an attitude of complacency. I may take him for granted and pass up opportunities to show my love for him. I might not even realize that I’m in a rut until something pricks my heart—something like Jesus’ words in John 15, “This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” I ask myself when was the last time I laid down something for Mike—my preferences, my time, my pride....?

My friend shared with me a fun quiz titled, “How’s Your Service?” It’s a great way for a wife to evaluate how well she is giving self-sacrificing love to her husband. Take a minute to do this quiz, and let God speak to your heart like He has to mine...

Click here to download pdf.

Crawling into Bed

Last night as Mike and I crawled into bed, I thought about how thankful I am for those precious moments together before we drift off to sleep. We’ve made a commitment to go to bed at the same time, whether it is 10:00 pm or midnight, we get into bed together every night. It helps us to feel connected and grounded.

Mike and I try to eat as many meals together as possible and we try to connect by phone or e-mail throughout the day. But many days, like today, our day is full of work and other obligations. Simply knowing that at the end of the day we will have some precious moments alone together, gives me something to look forward to all day long!! Even when we are traveling and have to sleep in separate beds, we crawl into bed, get on our cell phones and talk until we are almost asleep.

In all the years we’ve been married, I can only think of a few times when one of us went to bed ahead of the other and was asleep when the other one came to bed. (In most of those instances the one in bed early was sick.) This is such simple, but important commitment to us. I know all couples can’t make this same type of arrangement. But it is so important to find a time to connect each and every day. One friend and her husband sit on their porch swing for 30 minutes every night after dinner while their kids clean the kitchen.

Don’t let today go by without connecting with your spouse! It is one of the most important things you will do all day long!

Double-Date Ideas

Having fun together is an important component of a healthy marriage. But sometimes Mike and I face seasons of life when it’s really hard to connect with other couples in a deeply satisfying way. Especially during times of transition, when our responsibilities increase, or when our family’s needs are more demanding...

My friend likens this to “backwashing.” She says that a couple needs a regular inflow of new perspective and interaction from people outside the two of them. Otherwise, their own relationship can get stale and unfulfilling. (While this may be a funny way to look at it, I think it’s true!)

The symptoms of “backwashing” include: taking each other for granted, bickering over little things, being stuck in a rut of the same activities, reluctance to be spontaneous, critical thoughts and attitudes...you get the picture.

In those times, I’ve discovered the importance of planning ahead for time with other couples. Here are a few of my favorite double-date ideas:

• Get dessert and take a walk in a park.
• Play miniature golf.
• Have a bonfire.
• Share dessert after the evening church service.
• Go to a concert or symphony.
• Visit a local attraction or museum.
• Around the holidays, gather for a potluck where each couple brings a dish to represent their unique heritage.
• Attend a local fair or carnival together.
• Make homemade pizzas together.
• Attend a theatrical performance.
• Go out for breakfast on a Saturday morning.
• Choose a book to read, and regularly meet to discuss what you’re learning.
• Engage in a common hobby—biking, hiking,
• Visit scenic areas and take photos.
• Host a theme-related dinner where each couple brings a dish (Mexican, luau, Asian, etc.).
• Plan a game night.
• Enjoy an afternoon picnic.

The possibilities are endless!! And I’m always amazed at the meaningful conversations that develop as we do an activity we enjoy. I always feel that our marriage is refreshed after spending quality time with dear friends. The benefits are well worth the time and effort put into planning!