Miracle in a 40-Year Marriage

“We are a couple again—not just two separate people living in the same house,” Mary professed. She was part of the Secrets group I recently had the privilege of visiting. The small--but incredibly diverse--group of women was led by my friend Guyla and her daughter Melissa. I heard Mary’s story after the small group meeting, and I was amazed at what God had done in her 40-year marriage.

Today I’m excited to share Mary’s story with you. In a recent article written by Guyla, Mary explained the details:

"My husband and I have been married for 40 years. But for over twelve years of that time, he was gone from home except on weekends and holidays. This left me with raising two children and the bulk of everyday decision-making for our family.

"Gary retired about four years ago, and adjusting to his return has been difficult for us. I decided to attend the Secrets small group just to see if there might be something I could learn to bring our relationship closer. I was definitely having issues concerning who was the ‘head of the household’ after running things myself for so many years.

"When I started reading the book, I thought to myself, ‘These principles will not work with us.’ But after I prayed about the class, God began making me feel very strongly that I should put these practices to work. I am so glad that I trusted in the Lord and His proven message. Almost immediately there was a change in our relationship and marriage. We are closer now than ever before, and I feel that we are a couple again—not just two separate people living in the same house. I am planning to attend the second Secrets group, because I know that there will be more blessings to come from this study."

Wow. This makes me think, even if Mary is the only woman impacted by Secrets, it was completely worth writing!

26 Years of Marriage--and Loving It!

Last week, Mike and I celebrated 26 years of marriage. Wow! It is hard to believe that I’ve been Kerry Clarensau five years longer than I was Kerry Ramsey. Yes, that makes me almost “mature”--at least in age. I was 21 years old when we got married, so now I’m 47! (I was happy to read this week that I’m still a “middle adult.” Mature adults are 50-65, and senior adults are 65+. Whew . . . I still might have two more adult stages to go. I feel younger just knowing that.)

When I consider all the life stages that Mike and I have transitioned through together, I am flooded with many different emotions. The overriding emotion is difficult to describe. I guess I can explain it this way—Mike and I have shared so much life together that I can’t imagine walking away from this relationship or doing anything to damage what we have built together. The love we enjoy is grounded in so many shared experiences.

Mike knew me and loved me as a young, talkative, full-of-life, fearless, immature woman. I must admit that the outside was much more attractive at age 21—thinner, less wrinkles, no stretch marks, . . . the list of physical changes gets a little longer each year. But the inside, well that’s a different story . . . I was quite self-focused, impatient, . . . let’s not spend any more time with that list. :)

Life and its many experiences has a way of changing who we are. Someone said change is inevitable, but the impact of change is up to us. We will either grow better or bitter. And it seems that every day presents a series of choices that shape who we are becoming. Mike and I have faced countless experiences together—challenging us and stretching us. Some experiences we embraced, and they helped us to grow. Others we resisted, and it caused us to stagnate for a time. But overall, I believe we have grown and changed throughout the years.

Yesterday a friend told me that her husband has been married to five different women—all of them her. (LOL) Mike may feel like he’s been married to many “different women” in the past 26 years. But he has been so gracious to embrace each one. And I’m sure if God allows us 26 more years, the individuals we will be in 2036 will be shaped by our responses to life’s upcoming situations. So far, I’ve loved the ride and the many transformations that have taken place. I wouldn’t trade it for anything! And to be completely honest, I absolutely LOVE the man that Mike is today! Don’t get me wrong, I loved the 22-year-old Mike, but the 48-year-old Mike is amazing!

Respect—A Reflection of Our Character

Have you ever thought about the respect and dignity Christ showed to individuals? Think about the woman who was caught in adultery, tax collectors who were known for swindling, children who were clamoring for His attention, Pilate who questioned Him, religious leaders who despised Him, close friends who abandoned Him, and even the soldiers who killed Him . . .

Christ was able to interact respectfully with these individuals because of who He was. He never allowed the negative behavior of someone else to change who He was. He didn’t act disrespectfully because someone was unworthy of respect—even when He was mistreated and despised. Quite honestly, the dignity He gave to them was a direct reflection of His impeccable character.

The same is true for us. The respect or disrespect we give to others is an outward expression of our inner character. This is seen most clearly in the relationships closest to us—especially the relationship with our spouse.

It is quite embarrassing to admit, but there have been times when I have been disrespectful to my husband Mike. I even found myself thinking, When my husband starts acting in a way that I think is more respect-worthy, I’ll show him respect. But I was actually saying, He is not living up to my expectations and I will make sure he knows it. . . . This attitude never improved anything; it only made our relationship more strained.

I came to understand that my disrespectful attitudes had less to do with Mike and more to do with my own character flaws. My lack of respect revealed that I was self-centered, impatient, critical, discontent, judgmental, unkind, and demanding. All of these “attractive” qualities revealed my immaturity and lack of Christlike character.

When we find ourselves being disrespectful or unkind to our husband, we should ask ourselves what is at the center of our behavior. Are we focused on ourselves? Or are we allowing the Holy Spirit to fill us, change us, and flow through our lives? Galatians 5 tells us that when we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us, Christ’s character will be seen in our behavior. Our lives will be marked with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

You see, when we are self-focused (thinking of only our needs) or self-reliant (relying on our own strengths and abilities) we will struggle to be respectful and kind. But when we submissively allow God to fill and lead our lives, Christ will be seen in us. We will be able to respect others and offer dignity to every one—not because they’ve earned it, but because of who we are in Christ!

Secrets for Military Wives

When I wrote Secrets, I wanted it to be adaptable for many settings—individual study, one-on-one mentoring, general small groups, or specific groups. One of the specific groups I hoped to minister to is military wives. They have many unique challenges, and I felt it would be good to have some specific questions to help them apply Secrets to their distinct situation.

I asked a long-time family friend, Barbara Howard, to read the material and help us develop these questions. Barb is currently an English Professor at Central Bible College. But she is more than qualified to write these questions because she was married for 28 years to the late Chaplain (Col.) David Howard, U.S. Army. Together they lived a military life and faced all the unique situations it brings to marriage.

Today I'd like to share with you the handout we created. If you are a military wife or would like to start a Secrets small group specifically for them, I hope you will find these questions beneficial to your discussion. I pray that many military families are strengthened as wives apply God’s truth specifically to their important position—loving their military man!

Click here to download discussion questions for military wives (PDF).

What’s On Your Mind?

I recently started a new Secrets small group in my church. As I was preparing the session one Saturday morning, I began to realize something in a very real way—my thoughts really play an important role in my personal emotional health and in the health of my marriage. Although this particular principle permeates the Secrets material, it has never been as clear to me as it was that morning.

Scripture has a lot to say about our thoughts. We are told to guard our hearts, to take our thoughts captive, and to think on things that are true. In fact, every attitude and action is shaped by the thoughts I allow to dominate my mind.

Here is how I would describe those thoughts:

HEALTHY, LIFE-GIVING THOUGHTS

Thoughts about ME
I am responsible for my own my growth and change.

This can only happen as I actively pursue God by loving and obeying Him. As I allow the Holy Spirit to fill and lead my life, the fruit of the Spirit will be demonstrated in my attitudes and actions.

Thoughts about MY HUSBAND
I am responsible to love and serve him.

My thoughts of him should be filled with looking for ways to express my love for him. I am most like Christ when I love and sacrificially serve others.


DRAINING, DISCOURAGING THOUGHTS

Thoughts about ME
I would be okay if my husband would change and grow.

No one can change another person—these thoughts leave me drained and unproductive. And quite honestly, I would still be discontented even if my husband was perfect—because only a right personal relationship with God will bring true fulfillment.

Thoughts about MY HUSBAND
He needs to love and serve me more.

These thoughts cause me to be self-focused and ungrateful. If left unchecked, I become prideful and bitter.


Even knowing this principle, I can easily fall into wrong thoughts patterns, thinking—Mike really needs to change… or I really wish he would express his love for me by… And when I dwell on these thoughts, I am continually discontented. I’m focusing on things I cannot change and neglecting those things I can change. Wrong thought patterns always lead to grumbling and bitterness.

However, when I purposely focus on my responsibility for my personal growth and change, and when I think of ways to love and serve Mike, there is health and life for me emotionally and for our relationship. For when I’m am loving God and growing to be more like Christ, I’m fulfilling my purpose. And when I’m focused on loving Mike, I’m being obedient to Christ’s mission to love and serve others!

Ignoring What He Values

I just read a poignant picture of what can happen when we disregard what our spouse values—which can easily happen when personalities clash! Author Alicia Chole paints it perfectly in this excerpt a friend e-mailed to me. My friend typed this as a handout for the Secrets group she is leading at her church—a powerful way to illustrate the principles discussed in the book! I know you will enjoy it and that you'll pass it along—

Give Gifts

She was methodical.
He was impulsive.

She planned ahead.
He valued spontaneity.

She led with her head.
He led with his heart.

They were different but difference was not their problem.
Their problem grew from disrespecting their differences.

She needed him to balance the checkbook,
to finish a project.

He needed her to play,
to do the unexpected.

They could have chosen to give each other gifts.

She could have given him unplanned days.
He could have given her completed goals.

But they withheld these gifts and decided not to value what each other valued.

He told her she needed to "lighten up."
She told him he needed to "grow up."

Disrespecting their differences created distance that led to disaster...


Give gifts.
Value difference.
Love long.

From Pure Joy by Alicia Britt Chole (Thomas Nelson)

The Truth about "Submission" in Marriage

Submission is a word that can evoke a wide range of emotions and images in a woman’s mind. But today I came across an EXCELLENT sermon on healthy submission in marriage, by John Piper. I want to share the sermon’s link with you, and I encourage you to pass it on! I hope you enjoy discovering what submission is and isn’t. . . and how this often misunderstood “S” word can positively affect your marriage!

Click here to see John Piper's sermon.